Whether a couple should embark upon Couples Counseling or each go separately for private counseling sessions is not a choice. Both are important. If couples jump into joint counseling without having at least done some self-reflection and developed some sense of their own contributions to the relationship, couples counseling will probably not go very well.
Is it possible for couples to work on themselves as individuals simultaneously with working on their relationship as a couple, or should they focus on one aspect at a time?
Not only is it possible, IT IS ESSENTIAL, for couples to work on themselves as individuals at the same time that they work together on their relationship. Every relationship consists of two or more people. Each person brings thoughts, attitudes, memories and behaviors to the relationship. Each person affects, influences and has the potential to alter the thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and behaviors of the other person. Relationship problems often stem from miscommunication of some sort. Why? Because each person approaches every situation with a unique mindset:
• distant and recent memories that color the present interaction
• conversations, judgments, criticisms and advice from others in the distant past or recent future
• negative emotions such as fear, anxiety and a sense of inadequacy that are instantly triggered
When each person self-reflects (alone or with the help of a caring friend, relative or qualified therapist), the communication becomes more honest, more direct, less judgmental, less blaming, more compassionate and more receptive to making small changes. Each person’s thoughts, attitudes and behaviors create the building blocks of a successful partnership. Faulty building blocks create a weak and fragile structure. Strong, satisfying and lasting relationships are build on a solid foundation of two self-reflecting and loving individuals.
How can a person in the midst of intense and painful relationship problems go about finding or creating a mind-body connection within himself or herself?
A mind-body connection already exists in every human being. Nobody has to CREATE a mind-body connection. Just observe an infant crying when it needs something, cooing and smiling and giggling when it is happy, and screaming when it cannot get its needs met.
What needs to be created is the mindfulness to pay attention to the subtle and often not-so-subtle messages that the body is revealing, moment to moment. For example, if someone makes a careless remark that hurts your feelings and you feel a sharp pain in your neck or your stomach, DO NOT OVERLOOK THE BODILY SENSATION.
Do not ignore the pain that your partner’s frivolous comment caused you. But also, DO NOT RESPOND IN HASTE. Self-reflect first. Think to yourself, why did that remark hurt me? Then, moments later, you can reflect back to this other person exactly how that person’s comment affected you. If your partner downplays your concern, you have the internal verification. You know what your body just felt. You are then able to take a strong stance and express yourself clearly. Paying attention to your body keeps you strong emotionally, physically and in relation to everyone and everything in your life.
Should couples in crisis choose couples counseling or individual therapy? If possible, the best solution is to include it all. There may be a financial cost involved but the emotional payoff may be well worth the time and money spent. And even if this current relationship ends, both of you will have learned some essential lessons that can only help you to create more satisfying future relationships.