There is no doubt in your mind that your relationship is over and that your former boyfriend is now your ex but your breakup was amicable enough to allow you to remain friends. But it’s been a rocky relationship as the transition from girlfriend to friend has not been easy. To properly redefine your relationship and draw new relationship boundaries what do you need to stop doing and saying? When should you back off and stop smothering your ex?
1. When you treat him like a boyfriend and not a friend. The things that you used to do for and with him when he was your boyfriend; are you still doing them? Are you still making sure that his apartment is well kept? Are you still taking care of his bills, cats, laundry etc? If you are still doing things for him like you are the mistress of his life and apartment then you are smothering him as you are so into his life, another woman would be hard-pressed to become a part of his life. You need to back off as you need to disconnect from all these activities and from him. To help you determine what actions are appropriate for a friend ask yourself ‘would I do this for another friend?’ or ‘if I was his new girlfriend would I appreciate an ex who is behaving as I am?’ or ‘why am I doing what I am doing in his life’. Be honest with yourself as we often instinctively know when we are doing too much or when our motives are suspect.
2. When you try to sabotage his new relationships. You may not think that this is what you are doing but are you critical of all the women he dates? Do you keep poisoning his relationships with other women by what you say in the guise of ‘friendly advice’? Then you are smothering your ex as you are stopping him from moving on to someone else. No one can replace you so you need to understand that he is not replacing you but finding someone better suited to him than you were and that is what you should also be doing.
3. When you call him at all hours of the day and night. Yes you are friends but are you not overdoing the friendship angle? What is it that you are really doing? Are you not secretly monitoring him? Are you trying to find out whether he is having fun with someone else? Again if you were honest you would confess that if you are doing then this it’s your misguided way of checking up on his movements.
4. You keep asking after him. Whenever you spot his friends or family members do you go on a digging mission to find out all the details of your ex’s life? Are you unbearably curious to find out all you can about what he is doing since you broke up? Then realize that you are smothering him as well as yourself since you are giving him undue interest while wasting all your time and energy on him instead of on yourself or a new love interest.
5. You are upset when he goes out with other women. You may not shout or scream but you feel horrible when you know he is out with another woman. This may be common soon after the breakup of your relationship but if it’s been a couple of months since you broke up and you still feel betrayed when he is out with another woman then something is wrong.
6. His new girlfriend feels threatened by you. His new love interest feels threatened by you not because you were such a great girlfriend but because you are in their lives so much that she wonders if you are really an ‘ex’. If your ex’s new girlfriend cannot escape from your presence as you are in their face day and night then you are smothering your ex and you need to give him space to have a life.
You may be smothering your ex because you secretly want him back or because you simply don’t know what to do. If you are broken up then your deeds, actions and emotions should also be broken up. If you are broken up only in word but your deeds and emotions are not broken up then you will tend to smother your ex.
